Star wars: Adventures of the Two
by rocketmce
Summary: Two particularly mischievous humans get ROBbed into the star wars universe. Neither are particularly force sensitive, one barely knows anything about the universe, and the other knows too much about it! How much can they change before they get inevitably screwed over?
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: So… my knowledge of star wars extends only to the movies, the Clone Wars series, and the dozens of videos I've seen talking about the extended universe. Now to be fair, I'm pretty sure I know a good bit more than the average person, but most of my information about the universe will be coming from my beta. If I get something wrong, please tell me. Seriously, it can be as small as a name spelling and I will be eternally grateful.**

 **Disclaimer: We don't own star wars. It belongs to Disney.**

 **Beta: Robocop3301**

[-]

The first thing we noticed about our new surroundings was that the air was nigh unbreathable. The air was shrouded in thick orange-red fog, and it was dark enough that we were barely able to see a few feet in front of us.

"Jarod! Wher- *cough* Where are you?!" I called out, wondering where he was.

If the first thing you're told when pulled from your universe and stuck into another is "I'm bored… Entertain me.", you should know that you're very, very screwed. Suffice to say, this particularly snobbish ROB wanted us to be sufficiently miserable.

"Over here! Come on we need to get somewhere… less terrible." Jarod called out to my left.

Turning in his direction, I saw a rough outline of where he was, and we quickly started walking. We eventually hit a massive metal wall, which seemed to stretch on for a good while. Still following the wall, we found what felt like a door in the wall. Considering the handle attached to it and the way it swung open when we pulled, I'd say we were right.

Entering the room we found that the air was a good bit cleaner, if still very stale.

"Jarod, I know the air is at least breathable in here, but I still can't see a thing!" I called out into the darkness, feeling along the wall for some kind of switch.

My hand eventually found a button, that when pressed, caused the room to light up. Looking around, I saw Jarod doing the same thing I had been doing on the opposite wall. Looking around the room, I saw that it was quite different from anything in our home universe.

The room was an off-white color, clearly very old and in a state of disrepair, but serviceable enough. A few chairs bolted to the floor here, a table there, and several computers built into the wall. There were two doors at the other end of the room, but where either of them went we didn't know.

"Okay. It's established that we are currently not on Earth… or, well, at least not our Earth." I said sarcastically.

I walked over to one of the computer panels, pressing a few buttons and trying to turn the thing on. The keys were worn, the letters having obviously worn off from age. Eventually, I seemed to hit the right button, as the console came to life.

The screen flashed white, before several letters in some language I didn't recognize came up.

Meanwhile, Jarod walked over to one of the doors and opened it revealing a storage room holding several crates stacked on top of one another. He opened one of the crates and found nothing but dust and tiny bits of metal that looked eroded.

Looking around the room, Jarod spotted a metal rod hanging from the wall, "Hey Michael, you think anything will try to attack us out here?"

I turned from the continually frustrating computer towards Jarod, "Knowing the ROB's words were, 'entertain me'? Pretty likely." I said before returning to the machine.

"Well, you didn't have to be sarcastic about it." Jarod shot back before ripping the metal rod off of the wall.

The machine kept beeping at me, showing more lines of text that I was unable to read. Judging by its shape, it looked like some mix between English and Russian. What frustrated me even more, was the fact that they keyboard was shaped differently than a standard American one, meaning I had no clue where any of the keys were.

Growling, I bashed the side of the monitor before turning towards the rest of the room, leaving the computer to its mechanical mischief.

"So what do we have? A computer that hates me, a metal pipe, and the clothes on our backs." I summarized.

"And a lot of dust. Plus our brains, pretty sure those are important." Jarod added.

Rolling my eyes, I looked to the door that had yet to be opened, and proceeded to open it. A dark hallway was soon lit up, with a staircase at the end of it.

"Well isn't this a horror movie." I said dryly.

"First rule of horror movies: Don't split up. Second rule: Use Common Sense." Jarod said with mirth.

I once again rolled my eyes, before proceeding into the hallway. There was very little to explore, a few locked doors, a few more crates filled with dust, and an unlocked door at the end of the hall. Opening it, we found ourselves in a wide open area that looked an awful lot like a cafeteria.

Looking around, we found a few signs with more of that English-Russian text, and after following some of them, we found the kitchen.

"YES, FOOD!" Jarod called out as opened one of the cabinets. Reaching into it, he barely touched one of the boxes of what he assumed was food, before the whole thing fell in on itself, disintegrating.

"Dang it."

Moving towards a rather large door, I tugged on the handle, trying to open it. Unfortunately, it was stuck, "Hey Jarod, help me try and get this open." I asked my partner.

Moving to assist me, we both pulled on the large handles, and we managed to get the door to budge a few inches, air rushing into the area. It became easier to open after that, and we managed to open it enough for us to get inside.

Stacked well to the ceiling, were crates with more of that language plastered all over it. Inside were more of those boxes that looked to be MRE's, except this time they didn't crumble into dust.

"Yes! We're Saved!" exclaimed Jarod who then did a little victory dance while doing the Zelda item catching theme.

I rolled my eyes at Jarod's antics, before reaching up and pulling out another of the crates, which contained more MRE's. We started off by opening and eating the MRE's, managing to identify a few of the contents, such as pasta, beans, and what tasted suspiciously like chicken.

"Hey, have you noticed how well preserved this place looks?" I asked my compatriot.

Looking up from his meal and swallowing his food, he shrugged, "It seems better preserved the further we go in. My guess is whatever this place is has been here for years, maybe even decades considering the state of the food." he offered.

I nodded, accepting his observation.

After we finished eating, we began exploring again. Many of the rooms we discovered looked like living spaces, with what appeared to be an engine room and a bridge.

"So… considering everything we're seeing. Spaceship?" I asked curiously.

"What would a spaceship be doing in a place like this? If I were to hazard a guess I'd say we're a good bit underground." Jarod argued.

I shrugged, setting the remains of the MRE to the side. Contrary to popular belief, MRE's did not taste like crap. No, they didn't taste amazing, but I've had worse fast-food. Though considering many people lived off of them, I could understand that they started getting rather bland.

I got up and began looking around at the many rooms lining the walls. Eventually, I found a room the resembled a storage room much like the one we opened, except that this room held guns. Lot's, and lot's, of guns.

"Holy~ crap…" I muttered to myself as I gazed in wonder at the vast armory before me.

Guns lined the walls, armor stood on stands and there were even more boxes that were bound to house even more armaments. Jarod immediately picked up the biggest gun he could find, shouting "MINE!"

Looking at the weapon he grabbed, it looked like a huge, bulky version of a rifle from earth, with the notable absence of a magazine. I rolled my eyes, before walking over to a large crate and opening it to view its contents. Inside was what appeared to be _grenades,_ of all things.

"Holy Crap! Is that a _grenade_?!" Jarod practically shouted when he looked over my shoulder.

I blinked in confusion, bewilderment, and no small amount of excitement as I picked up one of the round devices from its foam compartment. It was built similarly to common fragmentation grenades used by modern militaries, with the pin and [trigger? clip?] in place. Setting it back down, I walked over to one of the armor stands.

The armor itself actually looked pretty realistic, kind of like a combination of stormtrooper armor and UNSC marine armor. Halo Three, not the miserable mess that was Halo Five's armor design.

One major thing I did notice, and something that didn't fit with either of the aforementioned franchises, were the gas mask like filters on the helmets, making them look almost like hazmat suits.

"So… I think we can safely say this place is military. Or if it's not, then it belongs to someone with way too much money on their hands." I remarked.

"Or a good, nice, healthy sense of paranoia." Jarod joked.

"True." I acknowledged. He may have been joking, but there was a very real possibility that was the case.

Opening more crates and discovering more weapons proved quite fruitful, as we found more grenades, what looked like battery packs - for what we had no idea - and most importantly, flashlights.

"Yes! Now we have everything we need to explore the outside."

"I CAN SEE CLEARLY, NOW THE NIGHT IS GONE!" Jarod parodied.

For probably the tenth time that day, I rolled my eyes at his antics. Now if only we could figure out where the heck we were.

[-]

 **A/N: If any of you have read my other AotT stories, you'll notice how much shorter this one is. That's not me or my beta being lazy mind you, just that as I have been writing over the years I find shorter chapters to be easier to write.**

 **Anyway, This fic should update a good bit faster than my other ones, as the rate I write at when I'm not slogging through can be… let's say eccentric. 1000 words a day is a good bit harder than it sounds.**


	2. Chapter 2

"Crap!"

"Dangit!"

"WHY!?"

These were many of the phrases we had said today. All around us were creatures that could only be described as "WHAT ARE YOU AND WHAT SLEPT WITH WHAT TO HAVE YOU?!"

In any case, there we were, surrounded by mounds of garbage and eldritch things trying to kill us. Now you may be wondering how in the world did we get ourselves into such a predicament. For us to answer that question we have to go back about twenty-four hours.

"JAROD! Just because it's not bolted to the floor, does not mean it's a good idea to take it!" I yelled.

"But… But… The loot!" Jarod pleaded.

I sighed, pinching the bridge of my nose. We had found several rooms filled with useful gear that we would need, including a few useful pieces of tech, such as data-slates! Granted we had no idea how to translate the text, but we were one step closer.

We had also set up an impromptu Headquarters, filled with guns, food, clothing, guns, electronics, guns, hazard suits, and did I mention the INSANE NUMBER OF GUNS!? Seriously! What kind of ship has this many guns!?

I mean, it could be a military ship, but what on earth would it be doing underground?

We had been stripping the armory for a couple hours now. As I said there was an absurd amount of guns. Like, "I live in the south and am part of an anarchist group" amount of guns.

Once we felt there were either no more guns to loot, or we had run out of space in our base of operations. For the record, the latter happened first. We both decided to start fortifying and expanding. The problem we soon discovered was that not everything down here was dead.

Equipped with full hazard suits, air tanks, and guns which we didn't even know what fired yet, I walked into the cave entrance - which actually wasn't a cave, it was more of a bunch of collapsed metal that had formed a cave - with Jarod following by my side. The farther we went into the cave, the warmer the air became, and the worse the stench got.

"I've got a bad feeling about this," Jarod said whilst crossing his fingers and praying that nothing bad would actually happen. A man can dream, can't he?

I sighed, realizing that the second the words came out of his mouth he had jinxed us, and moved forward, weapon raised. Fortunately for us, our helmets had built in lights that could be activated with the press of a button. And they actually worked!

When we finally reached the back of the room, we saw something that neither of us would soon forget. Nothing was on the ground, or on the walls, but we could see dripping fluid coming from above us. The only reason we noticed this, was the glob of the stuff that landed on Jarod's head.

We looked up and saw what looked like a cross between a dog, a xenomorph, a beetle, and what I can only describe as the rotting corpse of _something_.

"So… I think it's fair to say there's only one real course of action here." I said, my voice shaking.

I turned to look at Jarod, only to see that he was already running as fast as his legs could carry him. I sighed, hearing a thump behind me. When I turned to look at the sound, I saw the creature had moved from its perch on the ceiling and was staring at me.

"You're going to try and eat me now, aren't you?" I asked rhetorically.

The creature huffed, and the chase began.

"RUN!" Jarod yelled as he heard my voice, realizing that I had not run yet, and started taking pot shots at the creature to cover my escape. The weapon, we realized, shot blue bolts of what we could only guess were plasma, considering the way they burned the creature.

We raced out of the cave, followed by more than a few of the creatures. We kept firing, the counters on the rifles slowly counting down to what we could only assume was zero, but considering the symbols used to count were so different from standard human ones that we had no idea how much ammunition was left.

Eventually, we managed to work our way back to base, locking the door and keeping the creatures out. Fortunately for us, there were no windows. They tried ramming the door, clawing at it, or even just waiting outside for us to come out, but to no avail.

"So… I'm going to go out on a limb and say that those things were not human. Or, any other sentient race I've ever seen. Fictional or otherwise." Jarod stated.

"Agreed. But, what do we do now?" I asked.

"Shoot them until they go away or die? In either order? Preferably dead." Jarod offered.

I shook my head, "Yes, we have the supplies to do it, but I'd rather not take the risk of them getting inside the ship." I explained.

Jarod hummed, "You think we could use one of the other exits to go around and shoot them in the back?" He suggested.

I nodded a bit at the suggestion. We had discovered another three working exits to the ship, two of them leading to the other side of the ship, and one coming out on top, allowing a birds-eye view of the surrounding area. Not that it helped much, considering the orange-brown fog that covered everything.

Still, Jarods idea was a valid one. If we exited through the top of the ship, we could aim down and rain fire upon the mutant creatures. The only question would be if they could get up to us from ground level. I said as much to Jarod.

"Well, there's only one way to find out." Jarod said as he began to climb up a ladder to get to the top of the ship.

I shrugged, picking up my rifle and following him up. The top of the ship was rather empty, with a few guard-rails in place to keep people from falling over the edge. Looking down, we could see the horde of dog-alien-corpse things trying and failing to break into our starship home.

Aiming our rifles down at them, we opened fire. The first volley hit easily, two of the creatures going down. We didn't really have to aim after that, the writhing mass of bodies moving around so much that every time we fired, we hit something, regardless of what our original target was. We sat there for a good ten minutes, shooting them like fish in a barrel.

We soon figured out that our guns had a generous ammunition count at forty-five shots, allowing us to also notice a pattern in the numerical system - which counted by fives instead of tens. Not a huge change but something we took note of.

Eventually, the remaining creatures fled, not wanting to die like the rest of their kin.

The two of us cheered in victory, heading back down to the ship to go eat a victory meal before we heard a loud roar in the distance… And dozens of smaller roars accompanying it.

"Jarod… I get the feeling we're going to need some bigger guns." I said simply, suddenly not feeling so confident about that victory dinner.

We quickly went back inside the ship, grabbing the biggest gun we could find - which just so happened to be a freaking minigun version of our rifles!

We set it up on the raining, aiming it towards where the roar had come from, waiting for the threat to come. I aimed down the barrel, looking for anything and everything that may come our way. Fortunately (Or unfortunately) we didn't have to wait long. Hundreds of the creatures started pouring out of the mist, trying to claw their way up the side of the ship.

And that leads us to where we are now, standing back to back, blasting the creatures as they come up the sides of the ship.

Now you may be wondering: How the heck do we get out of this? Short answer, we don't. Long answer… we pull one of the greatest acts of insanity ever to conceived by man. I somehow manage to use some of our spare ammunition batteries as makeshift grenades, throwing them into a mass of enemies and shooting it.

The explosion isn't exactly impressive, but it's enough to keep the creatures off our backs for another few seconds. After that, we started retreating back towards the door to the ship. We kept doing so until we finally found ourselves slamming the door shut, and barring it in order to keep the stupid things out.

And no, we haven't gotten to the insanity yet.

"Michael… I know this may sound stupid… but I have an idea…" Jarod said whimsically.

I looked at Jarod. I smiled, "Well, I'm listening."

The next hour was spent gathering as many wires and batteries as possible, as well as a few mechanical parts. The monsters tried to get in several times but were quickly repelled by extreme amounts of dakka. Jarod grinned when we finished our masterpiece.

"You think this'll actually work?" I asked.

"Well, we're out of options at this point, so this is our best bet." He explained.

I nodded and helped Jarod get suited up. When we were done, Jarod looked more like a giant battery than a human. We opened up the door to the roof, after making sure that the creatures above had either gotten bored or had moved to another location. Jarod stepped out, holding a staff hooked to the battery pack.

He slowly walked to the edge of the roof, where several monsters were still trying to clamber over each other to get to us. When they spotted Jarod, they redoubled their efforts and began climbing again.

Jarod smiled as he activated the staff, blue electricity visibly coming off of it, and he held it high, "YOU! SHALL NOT! PASS!" He yelled, before slamming the super-conductive rod into the ships metal hull.

The electricity spread through the metal like wildfire, zapping the creatures that were climbing up the side of the ship and causing the majority of the creatures to fall off, dead. Jarod laughed like a maniac, not even feeling the electric shock through his insulated rubber clothing.

The rod crackled with electricity for several minutes, killing any mutant that tried to make their way up the ship, and even spreading to some of the larger pieces of scrap metal touching the ship. Eventually, the batteries ran out of juice, but by the time that did happen the number of living monsters had decreased by the hundreds and the number of corpses had increased by the same margin.

Jarod walked to the edge of the ship and looked down at the pile of corpses and yelled, "Now I am become Death, Destroyer of Worlds!"

I chuckled at his actions before we both saw a huge black shape fly through the fog towards us, landing on the edge of the ship, and stared down at Jarod. The creature was covered in a dark brown carapace, it's mouth filled with an uneven amount of teeth and enormous yellow eyes.

"Well, crap."

The creature grabbed Jarod, before jumping off of the ship and running off, leaving Michael to stare off into the distance.

[-]

 **AN: Well, that's it for this chapter. Bit of a cliffhanger too! Hope you don't mind.**


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